IV of Wands - Being an Insider
4 sprouting wands stand upright in the foreground, 2 on each side with a space in between. A blooming garland of flowers, leaves, and fruit is suspended between the pairs of wands creating an arbour to the scene and happening on the other side. Two people stand centred between the wands and in front of a large stone castle; their arms raised and holding bouquets. A group of people can be seen to the left, and a bridge surrounded by flowering shrubs on the right. The sky is clear and yellow.
IV of wands from the Rider-Waite-Smith tarot
Traditional meanings of the 4 of wands connect it to successful harvest, marriage, along with domestic and communal harmony. The scene feels bright and celebratory, and the couple in the centre seem to be ecstatically calling you through. Welcome!
What in your life is coming to fruition? What success, achievement, or good news are you celebrating?
It’s just gorgeous.
In the tarot, a truly happy card is on the rarer side - there are more cards that have an edge, a spike, or indicate a degree of struggle. This mirrors life to a degree, and the primal human bias toward negativity. A tendency to turn toward the problems in your life, your hurts, what isn’t working, to grumble, worry, criticise. Rick Hanson says that our “minds are more fertile for weeds than flowers” and that for instance, we need at least 3 positive moments to every negative one to thrive, feel natural pleasure, and be “happy”.
Notice the good that is happening in and around your life right now. Do this often this month.
This card then, is an invitation to turn toward what is working. And to do so consciously and with more intention. Not surface “positivity” which can smack of bypass - but really looking to the simple good.
Look again at the people on the other side of the arch - trying to grab your attention, smiling, laughing, calling you in. Hold that image in mind and body. Come and join the fray!!
As a 4, stability and containment (think square), is juxtaposed with the fire, passion and vivaciousness of the wands. So there is something very safe about this kind of passionate display in a relational-social scene.
At the same time, I’m well aware that celebrating and engaging socially might not feel safe to everyone.
In polyvagal theory, Deb Dana says that “play” is a mixed state of fight-flight + safe-social. Specifically, it's a little bit of sympathetic nervous system arousal blended with a little bit of ventral vagal nervous system social engagement. So play, in the form of active celebration can feel unappealing if it's not (historically) been anchored in social safety and connection. The arousal part can feel too close to a threat and trigger a defensive-fear state.
What’s your immediate response to being beconned to join in? Do you lean in? withdraw? Do you feel excitement? fear? shame?
I’ve been swimming in the ritual and ceremony space for some time now. I’m in no way an expert or even active in ceremony but I’m curious. I’ve pushed the point many times that Western culture in a secular age has lost contact to meaningful ceremony around seasonal and cosmological cycles. And aside from birthdays, weddings, and new years, we no longer recognise other human life cycle passage rites. It’s hard to know how to start up again.
Ceremonies and rituals, are symbolic acts that honour important moments and take us out of the inner-personal-individual focus that can be a breeding ground for narcissism or loneliness, and into a deep knowing, that you are a part of something Greater, including part of a community. Sounds so good, right?
How might a simple ceremony look to honour the thing you are celebrating?
It’s a wonder that we oriented so far from these shared moments, toward self isolation, competition, and navel gazing.
Therapy is useful in the gap, as it encourages self reflection, review and healing wounds of trauma and attachment. The famous psychiatrist Irvin Yalom says that its the authenticity and quality of the therapist-patient relationship that heals (beyond the specific method and approaches which are more like icing) and neuroscientist Dan Siegal says that attuned presence and energetic resonance between individuals in the therapeutic space creates new experiences of trust. Healing happens in relationships.
Who is the other, or others in your life you’d like to celebrate with?
But, can we also begin to return toward a philosophy where “the village raises the child”? and beyond that, the community enhances belonging between all members including adults of all ages and orientations?
At the beginning of this article, I took the position of voyeur or outsider - as the one looking into the scene and being called through the doorway. But I wonder, how the experience might feel different if you placed yourself on the other side. You are already an insider - IN belonging.
Practice:
Shift your perspective as an observer or being on the outside and looking in - to feel or see yourself as one of the welcomers waving the bouquet in the air and calling another one through? Who do you call in to be a part of celebration and ceremony?
Or as part of the crowd milling over to the side, in the thick of joyous celebration.
How does being an insider feel different? How might you cultivate this sense that you already belong, into your life?
Much love
Mendy🗝️
Daniel J. Siegal (2010), The Mindful Therapist.
Irvin D. Yalom (2002), The Gift of Therapy.
Rick Hanson (2013) Hardwiring Happiness.
Deb Dana - 2022 - Course seminar